Exotic Pest Control

You know you have a serious problem when you suddenly discover an ant crawling across the lens of your glasses.  Now that I'm married and all, I get to share my problems with my husband. Which is how Man and I got into the following gchat conversation:

me:  Uhm.  The ants are attacking.  There was one on my glasses. How the hell did it get on my glasses?  Was it in my hair? Did it survive the blowdrying?? Was it on my headband???

Man: what?

me: Ant. On my glasses.  OMG.  I freaked out.  Silently, because I'm at work. Then squashed him on the floor.


Man: I can't even fathom. Where were you glasses?

me: ON MY FACE


Man: I'm so confused.  No food in the bathroom.


me:  Are they in our bed???   Maybe it was in my hair.  And survived both the shower and the blow dryer.


Man: Unlikely.


me: Or was it on my coat??


Man: Hairband?


me: Ugh. I want to kill them all.


Man: There was a single ant on the ipad.  And that was next to the bed.


me:  Whaat.  Noooo. They are infiltrating our technology AND our bedroom.


Man: do we need to check out the bedroom for food?  I think that's the common factor.


me: Nah man.  No food there. They were in the front closet last summer


Man: Is there food in your purse?


me: My purse was in the living room.


Man: Gotcha.


me: Ok, I've got the solution: Buy a damn house.  Let's GO!


Man: /runs off


me: ...and get a dog. Who'll eat them.


Man: An ant-eating dog. Check.


me:  I mean we could just get an anteater, but PA has such ridiculously extreme laws, that I bet there is a "you can't own an anteater as a pet in the county of Philadelphia" somewhere in the law books

Man: Exotic pets are prohibited.


me: Anteaters are not all that exotic.  I mean really.


Man: Hedggies are prohibited.


me:  Huh. 


[pause]


me:  My coworker says we can get a license to have an anteater, as long as our area is zoned for anteaters.


Man: Hahahaha

me:  Hmm. I think this could work.  Do you think an anteater and a dog would get along?


Man: I think we'd need to be re-zoned a zoo.


me: Really?  Would you let me have a zoo???  That would be lovely.  A little smelly, but lovely.


Man: hahaha.  We need a bigger yard.


me: Truest.

Then again, having reread this, I'm beginning to wonder if we have other problems, larger than ants crawling over the objects on my face.  I mean, who calls hedgehogs "hedggies"?