Culture wars (edit)

EDIT: This was originally posted on Friday. I took it down after a friend expressed concern that I was not being compassionate or understanding enough of my future in-laws. 


I took it down, thought it through and talked to Hon and a few friends.  And now, I'm reposing it.  The point of this post was not that I hate my in-laws or their culture. Quite the opposite, actually.  It has been my joy to learn about their past and culture.  I have willingly given up plenty of my own plans for this wedding so that we could have the Chinese banquet and other traditions that his parents want.


My frustration stems from the fact that this interest and willingness to compromise isn't mutual.  


original post:



There is one thing I struggle with when it comes to marrying into an Asian family (and having lots of Asian friends): my unrequited interest in their culture.

When it comes to the wedding, my future in-laws only talk and plan for the Chinese "side" wedding.  They haven't asked what is going to happen at the Christian ceremony, nor the cocktail hour.  Except to tease me about my paper flowers and express dismay at my non-orange-and-red color choices.

I hit my breaking point when they bought that Chinese red silk "guestbook" without talking to me.  See, I have this really awesome guestbook already planned.  The future in-laws didn't think to ask if I had already planned anything.  They just bought the Chinese thing.  Because a Chinese banquet needs a Chinese guestbook.

 Now, don't get me wrong.  My parents and I are excited about doing the tea ceremony and the banquet.  We love learning about other cultures. I just wish that feeling was mutual.  I wish his parents would be interested in my side.  Or about integrating this wedding instead of making it two separate events.  

 And this isn't something that just his parents do.  The problem with fighting to protect your culture is that more often than not, you dismiss every other culture as not having anything of interest.  I love hearing stories from other cultures, but often I find myself wondering why my stories aren't as interesting to others.  Is mine really less important?  Is it really that common?

 Anyway, sometimes when I get emotional, my brain loses function.  But sometimes, instead of shutting down completely, this brain of mine spits out repetitive--and often incomplete--sentences to express my emotions.  And then I get this idea that it's "spoken word."  And it is...minus the spoken part.  I know it won't read the way it sounds in my head, but just make up a cadence and run with it.

I'm white.
Therefore...
...I have no culture.

I am empty.
Colorless.
Blank.
There's nothing unique about me.
I'm part of the dominant culture.
 Whatever that means.

 Except that I'm not. 

My culture is the hold-open-doors and help-carry-groceries culture.
It's the pick-up-trash-off-the-street culture mixed with the who-cares-if-its-yours.
It's the volunteer-your-time-somewhere because we value-giving-back.

My culture comes from geeky-let's-go-to-a-museum ilk because, let's face it, the beach is boring.
My culture is elbow-grease. It's measure-twice-cut-once.
It's hard-work with a good dose of creativity and dreams.

 In my culture, we get lost in a book instead of the TV.
In my culture, the Arts are supported and crafts are done.
In my culture, we always try-something-new.
We're the lego-loving, give-it-a-shot, make-it-yourself-ers from before DIY was cool.

My culture is that the practical, deal-finding, researching consumer.
Having-money-doesn't-mean-you-should-waste-it.
Why pay for a name when it's the. same. bag?

 In my culture, being rich doesn't mean being obnoxious.
In my culture, being poor isn't possible because family is there.
In my culture, people come first and money. comes. last.

 My culture is Penn State football.
Joe Pa.
And "When you get to the end zone, don't act like you've never been there before."

My culture is healthy-food-that-you-hate-as-a-child (but secretly love now)
It's a no-thank-you-helping when offered new food.
It's retrying everything if we think it's funny the first time.

 My culture is loving-Jesus-doesn't-equate-with-hating-others.
My culture is ashamed of Rush Limbaugh, but willing to forgive.
My culture is the serve-as-He-came-to-serve.
My culture sees inequalities as a broken system in need of redemption.

 Last I checked Most of these things aren't...
...normal.
Or at least the news tells me so.